We’ve all been there. Apres fight, apres disagreement, apres he told you he’d take the clothes out of the washing machine…and that was a big fat yesterday. Moldy clothes await. If you’re like me, strap on your music device, and take out your aggression by pounding pavement or on an unsuspecting treadmill.  And clear away your anger with these hits.

1. Blowing Kisses In The Wind– Paula Abdul.

It’s classic. It’s a chance to take that sigh. That breath of relief. That exhale. For those moments when you feel like it’s one-sided with him, whether it’s laundry or life, Paula is my go-to girl. Rejuvenate with this 90s hit.

2. Please Call Me Baby– Tom Waits.

Unapologetically, this is the best tragic love song of all time.

“We do crazy things when we’re wounded; everyone’s a bit insane.”

“If I exorcise my devils, my angels might leave too.”

“I don’t want you catching your death of cold out walking in the rain.”

Brilliant. Sheer early 1970s brilliance.

For those of us hopeless romantics who believe that even after the worst fight, life can still be a bit like a Broadway musical- even just for a second- give this song a go. *And bonus when you no longer want to kill him, rewatch the romantic comedy “Keeping the Faith” starring Jenna Elfman, Ben Stiller, and Ed Norton that opens with this song, Please Call Me Baby,.  

3. Don’t Call Me Baby – Madison Avenue.

A total twist from #2! I’ll set the scene:

It was 2001.

British Dave and I had met in a Model United Nations Conference in London.  A Tall, broad-shouldered, hilariously outgoing, and a ginger-haired Ted Kennedy-esque caricature, he represented the United States and I,

with little-to-no-bargaining-power, represented the country of Albania. After a fierce day of negotiating, Dave became my gay bestie.

Months later after we had both gone through breakups, we walked arm in arm into a hot club in London. Don’t Call Me Baby was playing on disco-repeat. I felt defeated. My heart was broken from the breakup and Dave’s broken from a one-night stand that hadn’t turned into at least another night.  

Dave spun me around in my short skirt and as he did he shouted into my ear over the disco beat, words to live by, words to remember, no matter how frustrated I may be by a member of the opposite sex, “yes dahling, it’s bloody awful getting over these things, which is why you have me and I have you and we’ll conquer the world.”

And ain’t that the truth?

We always have someone, even our own selves to love. We have the world to conquer. And for everything else, Madison Avenue reminds us, don’t underestimate me boy, I’ll make you sorry you were born. It’s a deal.

I get obsessed. If something is good, I can’t get enough. Dental Herb Company’s Tooth & Gums Tonic is no exception. It COMPLETELY gets rid of bad breath, gives you that minty fiery after-taste, and has no crap in it. Ingredients are:  deionized water, vegetable glycerine, extracts of echinacea, pure essential oils of peppermint, red thyme, cinnamon bark, eucalyptus and lavender.  Breath in. Breath out. Fire. 

Ok, let’s face it, folks. There are very few reasons to be happy about this appointment. All facts point to illegitimate conduct on K’s part between him and CBF. When questioned about that conduct and about his past, he sounded like an ass; rude to questioning senators when he could have been compassionate, defensive about his high school life when he could have admitted wrongdoing, and aggressive about the nature and scope of the questions when he could have softened his responses. And one has to wonder about his character no doubt from the facts alone of his bff  Mark Judge writing a memoir of their days of yore entitled, “Wasted: Tales of GenX Drunk.” So WHAT on the earth could we happy about? Grateful about?

Well, here are my top 5.5 reasons to be grateful this has happened:

5. Kavanaugh’s appointment revealed how many people were in fact against his appointment. That’s right 48 out of 100 senators did not think he should have been appointed. We are GRATEFUL for them,  for all those men and 16 women, who did what they felt was right with this sensitive matter involving K’s past and female consent. And what about Collins (R-Maine) and Manchin (D-W. Virginia) who voted for Kavanaugh? We are grateful for people whose votes and voices are still valued even if those votes differ widely from what many of us wanted to see. Yes, it feels like it sucks. But remember Handmaid’s Tale? No voting. No diversity. No dice. Our culture may be imperfect. It may be at times very far from what we want. But dissenting voices and votes represent  a glimmer of that thing that shines even when no one is looking: hope.

4. Kavanaugh has a brain. Whether or not we believe he uses it or always exercises good judgment, Kavanaugh is not the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, “if I only had a brain,” version of a Justice. You can hate me for saying it or stop reading here but we cannot assume he will vote against our interests on every vote. Abortion? He believes in precedent. As in Roe v. Wade precedent. And he has ruled as such in appellate court.  Yale Law School? He was top of class. Was he working too hard to always do the right thing? Absolutely not. But yes, he was working hard and for that we are grateful. Remember Robspierre of the French Revolution? He fought for freedom but changed his mind and guillotined dissenters. Moral of the story? Things have been and can get worse. It’s all about perspective.

3. Kavanaugh represents a victory for second chances. Yes, I said that. And I also defend the criminally accused in my legal practice so perhaps I am slightly biased here but K’s appointment should not be takenly lightly for any man or woman accused of misconduct. Many, if not all of us, have some skeletons in the closet. Skeletons, while not sexual misconduct, that could deprive us of seeking out our destiny. Should they? Ask Ted Kennedy. Ask many of the Kennedys for that matter. I love them. But they’re not perfect. What happened matters, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes how we handle our mistakes matters more. And while I don’t think Kavanaugh handled the accusations thoughtfully or with the grace and composure I would have wanted, I do believe that he was clueless about the night in question involving Christine Blasey Ford. I feel so sad and ashamed for what happened to Ford. But I feel a glimmer of hope that as a nation, as a people, some people (better people than I) can find it in their hearts to forgive Kavanaugh and move forward. There is a time to move on, and for that, I am grateful. As my small son would belt out as he watches Elsa glide across snow capped peaks in Frozen, “the past is in the past.”

2. People change. There is a possibility that after going through one of the most embarrassing trials of his life, and I don’t mean a trial in his courtroom, K will be a BETTER judge. A more compassionate judge. I hear smirking. He will be WORSE than ever, you say. He will hate dems more than ever.

But.

What if he doesn’t?

People say things and feel things when they are backed into a corner that sound very different when they are reading perusing a legal brief.  And speaking of reading, my almost 7-year-old is reading Wayside School is Falling Down a 1989 comedic chapter book for kids. In this book, boys eat school lunch which makes them temporary lose their minds and kiss unsuspecting girls. One boy begs a girl to pull her pig tails even as she shouts that she doesn’t want him too. He does it anyways and we are supposed to laugh.

Book humor changes.

Cultures change.

Political correctness changes.

And people change too. They do.

With a hope and a prayer, Kavanaugh has changed, not only since the 1980s but since September of this year when he got to walk in the shoes of someone accused of the serious crime of sexual assault. He got to see how it feels. And sometimes, although not all time, that walk in different shoes can make a big difference.

2.5. We are reminded of the scary word, “lifetime.”

Who said it?

Nothing lasts forever not the mountains nor the sea, but the times we’ve had together, they will always be with me.

The Samples? Now you know I am a 90s gal for bringing that one back!

Ok, not a quote apropos for SCOTUS nominees with questionable backgrounds but…it’s true! Sometimes all we have are the memories of events, not the actual impetus that caused the event itself.

No matter how you slice it, fifty percent of people saying “I do” for life, do NOT end up doing just that for life. I know when I heard of Kavanaugh’s lifetime appointment, my reaction was physical. I shuddered. I felt that wave of anxiety and despair pulsing through my body. For life? For LIFE?

But then I remembered…. Some people have actual death sentences. Everyone minute someone somewhere is being told by a reluctant doctor whose eyes gaze down that they have a terminal illness and not much longer to live. We have people who get into top positions only to have a piano come crashing out of the sky on their heads.

So yes, let’s focus on the positive of this. Trust that  good people will be appointed and those who are not good and who do not reflect us and our views, well, there might be a crashing piano in their futures. Yea, it’s gory, and I don’t wish ill-will on anyone, but sometimes, hey, that’s life.

1.  Kavanaugh’s appointment means we get to focus on the real hero, CBF, and the revolution she began. Folks, I do mean revolution and I do not use that word lightly. Had Kav not been appointed, Trump would have picked another candidate and perhaps one far  less favorable than Justice Kavanaugh (pains me to write that, yet think back to his abortion stance in reason #4 to be happy).

The point is, now that he is in the SCOTUS, let’s focus on the real issue of helping girls and all women find their voices.

Because we don’t encourage women to speak out due to political pressure, to prevent people from joining the Supreme Court, or because there are consequences such as Kavanaugh’s appointment if they ultimately decide not to put their story on national stage. We encourage women to speak out about assault because it is a healing process for everyone and for us as a nation.

We have come a long way since 1982 but CBF reminds us that we still need to pivot, to redirect messages we are giving girls in high school, college, and beyond.

We hear you, the message needs to say. We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails to prevent this from happening again. With hope, one of the messages the next generation will get is: in a world where you can be anything, be KIND. Thanks for that reminder, Kavanaugh appointment! And let other SCOTUS nominees take note: don’t sound like an ass on national television when questioned about high school yearbooks or anything for that matter. As my mom would chastise, “you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.” Who wants flies? Well, Kavanaugh….

Kavanaugh, THANK YOU.

Thank you for reminding us that CBF’s very brave and earth-shattering testimony was never really about your appointment to SCOTUS but about misconduct of men and boys who might be toxic, who might be clueless, or might be good guys and will grow up to apologize in ways you were never able to.

Thank you for being the center stage of a message ultimately about healing. About us a nation, all of us, giving permission to one amazing, very brave woman to speak out against things that happened a long time ago. Things that should have been forgotten, but things that cannot be, if we are to ever truly progress.  

Thank you for bringing this critical issue of treatment of women to the centerfold of our country and for allowing us to use your 17 year-old  poor judgment and poor ability to field questions as a case study of how not to act.

Thank you for showing us through your blunt and brazen sides,  that we can still be our raw, un-politicized selves, even if that doesn’t always sound like what people want to hear. Truth.

Thank you for teaching any of our young men that if they engage in conduct that is untoward, they will not forever wear the Scarlet Letter. Even if we feel they should.  They too, can be forgiven (and their apologies for their missteps will get them there faster).

Above all, thank you for letting us pause to consider that your life appointment, scary as it sounds, may not in fact be for life. Pianos fall out of the sky and claim lives. So does cancer. And while I wouldn’t wish that on you or anyone, I will say that I still have faith in our Senate. I have faith in our SCOTUS, and above all, I have faith in the many Americans, many awesome women out there making changes, speaking up, and whose stories point our country in the right direction.

Every year my husband and I joke together- what will our new’s resolutions be: to be nicer to each other? Meditate more? Exercise more? Achieve our career goals that will give us more financial freedom for home improvement, et cetera et cetera?  But inevitably, time passes.

We get stuck in the weeds of life and lost meandering around their long stems. 

When the new year comes, we end up experiencing not so much newness and inevitably revert back into our old habits.

Now, I’m not a life coach. But it seems to me if I were to ask one, they might tell me that lots of resolving without action is common. It’s a funny conversation about we what “resolve” to do for the New Year when we discuss it with others. A conversation that usually peters out around late January, perhaps sipping wine with a friend or passing a coworker in the hall: we assume people are happily making their New Year’s dreams come true or not. It’s no longer appropriate to ask what others have resolved to do. It might make someone uncomfortable to think at that point that merely surviving or staying their course is not enough.

But what if we took a slightly different approach? This year I decided to take what I call a New Year’s Inventory, instead of just a resolution. Truth be told, my husband came up with this idea. He and I filled out goal sheets of 2017- what had we wanted to achieve? Where did we fall short? And why? I started my goal sheet kicking and screaming. This felt fake and contrived. It felt silly be writing everything down, especially with him sitting there at our favorite restaurant, no less, doing the same thing.

The truth is, once I actually got down to business and did my goal chart, it was super helpful. It went something like this:

What were the major goals I had wanted to achieve in 2017?(categories of goals listed in health, fitness, work, relationships, family, home, etc.)

Which goals were easiest to achieve? Why?

Which goals were harder to achieve? Why?

What are three goals I want to focus on right now?
I realized then if you want to make it to the top of the mountain with a new goal, you have to start in the weeds. Machetes out, it’s time to chop down the weeds. I’m really hoping I might have some room for new flowers to grow.